Lost in paradise
by malifcbfan1899
Summary: Jace's thoughts while watching Clary sleep in City of Glass before he goes after Sebastian. Based on the song "Lost in paradise" by Evanescence. Clace I don't own anything.


He stared at her. At the only girl he will ever love.

Her hand lay in his, but he didn't dare to come closer to her. She was someone whom he shouldn't love, not romantically. The feelings that burned inside his heart weren't something one felt for one's own sister.

She looked so peacefully in her sleep, her eyeballs rolling around behind her eyelids while she was dreaming. He wondered if she dreamed about him, if he was important enough to her that picture of his face could occupy her mind when she couldn't control it. He wanted to believe so badly that he was. But, she was an angel after all. She loved even the ones she shouldn't. And he, he was a demon. A creature not worthy of love. But, as angelic as she was, she loved him, believed in him. She had said it herself.

He had believed once that their love was possible. That time seemed so distant now, although it had been only couple of weeks ago. He had believed in their love, he felt it. Or he had thought that he was feeling it. That he was a human, somebody who could feel love. But, demons didn't feel love. At least not pure, real love.

He had tried to let her go, to forget his love for her. But, she had made him feel so hopeless. There was no chance he would ever forget her. She was like a rune that lasted forever, impressed into the very centre of his being. He couldn't separate her thoughts from her nothing more than he could pull his own heart out of his chest. He had tried to hide that pain that she was making with her very appearance, but she had seen the truth every time she had looked into his eyes. And he had seen the truth in hers. Love bound them and there was no hope of that bond ever being broken.

But, he was broken. This love, a romance between siblings, was his fault. He was the evil sibling, the one who had somehow tricked his own sister into loving him. He wanted her, just her and no other girl. It was a cruel desire of his, and he had somehow made her feel the desire too.

He remembered the angel Ithuriel, that poor creature that their father had kept imprisoned for so long. He remembered his words about the bloods in their veins, both very powerful, but one of heaven and one of hell. He remembered their father, the coldness of his eyes while had been telling them the truth at Renwick's.

He closed his eyes, pressing upper eyelids against the lower. He wanted to erase the past. He didn't want it to exist. He wanted to start all over again, never to find out all those painful truths. It was more than he could bear, more that he was willing to see her bear.

But, the reality was merciless. Erasing the past was impossible. All he could do was to face his future.

He touched the piece of fabric that was hidden in his pocket. It will help him to track Sebastian and find his father. He was the only one who could do it. He had nothing to lose anymore. The only valuable thing he still possessed was his love for her. That was why he had come to see her tonight, to say farewell, even if she won't be awake to hear it.

He looked at her now, remembering their talk before she had fallen asleep. He had told her that he had wanted only this one night with her, the last night before the battle that could cost them their lives.

But, he had lied, like all demons did. He wanted to fall asleep next to her and wake up next to her for the rest of his life. His heart was telling him that this was where he belonged, but he kept remembering they had the same blood in their veins. He didn't belong with her, he _shouldn't_ belong with her. But, the thought of life without her frightened him. It was the only thing in his life beside their father that had ever managed to frighten him. But, it still did. And he could guess, or at least hope that he was guessing it right, that the thought of life without him scared her too.

He moved his hand gently away from hers, careful not to wake her up. Her face frowned for a moment, like she had felt the lack of his body on her bed, but her eyes remained shut.

He turned around, found a piece of paper and a pencil and started to write. It was the only way he could explain to her what he was about to do. He knew he couldn't leave while looking her in those green eyes, couldn't bear the sorrow he knew he would see in them. He had to sneak like a thief out her bedroom, running to meet his doom, but maybe also her salvation. It would definitely be suitable, doom for a demon, salvation for an angel.

_You should have run away from me when you still could._ he thought, one eye on the letter, one on her face. _You should have left me, banish me away from yourself. You should have taken all shadows that remind me of you away. Maybe we wouldn't have been hurt as we are now. Maybe my death will free us both. Maybe we won't feel this pain anymore._

But, he knew she will never truly abandon him. Whatever lay behind death, he knew somehow it won't be powerful enough to erase his memories of her. He will never let her go; he will follow her wherever she went. Maybe he couldn't be her guardian angel, but he fit into description of a fallen angel. He led a battle he had already lost a long time ago. He had tried to stay close to heaven, but he had only been falling deeper and deeper.

And here he was now, in the only place he wanted to be and the only place he shouldn't be. He was in paradise, but he was lost. He wandered, trying to find something that couldn't be found. A place, a time, a life in which he could be with her. But there was no such thing here.

The letter was almost finished, all that he needed was an end, something that could tell her how much he wanted that things were different. Something that didn't lie in this world, but not even in the next one. Her face, gorgeous and calm in her sleep, was like a dream.

_Dream._ he thought_. You're my dream, the one I never dared to dream and the one I'll always dream._

He finished the letter, put it on the pillow next to her head and got out of her room through the window. A fight was waiting for him and it had to be done.

* * *

Next to curls of red hair lay a piece of paper. The name on top of it, _Clary_, marked the person the letter was for. And its last sentence, full of care and love, said:

_As long as I can still dream, I will dream of you._

_-Jace_


End file.
